I wrote "My Story" two days ago on January 31st. I'm sure some of you have already heard my story, either way, this story gives details not only of Mason's death, but also it gives you a glance into my heart.
Two years ago today, I was at work, answering phone calls, hoping to get new business as a Realtor. I was talking among co-workers, telling them about my baby, due April 4th, and how the baby and big brother Davey would only be 11 months apart. It was a good day at that point. I had no fears of losing my child. I was 30.5 weeks along, at that point most women don't think twice about losing their child...the chances are so slim. And just the night before, Brandon and I were cuddled on the couch with my shirt pulled up touching and pushing on my pregnant belly. Mason would respond by kicking or punching back. Our eyes watched as he rolled around with excitement at our touches. He was so active...so alive. Like I said...no fear. Little did I know as I was working that day that my baby boy was dying. I wasn't paying attention to his kick counts. I was so busy! Plus, in my head, just like 99.5% of babies at 30.5 weeks gestation, he was fine...perfectly healthy...I had no fear.
Later on in that afternoon I had a routine appointment with the nurse practitioner. Brandon was not with me because I was already in Fresno, and there wasn't an ultra sound scheduled that day. So, this part of my story is where my life changes. It will never be the same. Everyday my heart cries out in pain at not having Mason in my life. Every day I imagine my sweet, beloved Mason. I imagine he looks a lot like his brother Davey (after he was born, I could see similarities between them), except I picture Mason having a darker complexion, taking after his daddy. Back to my story, the nurse took a Fetal Doppler (the machine that listens to the baby's heartbeat), and searched around for his heartbeat. She couldn't find it. She acted like it happens all the time, and went to go get an ultra-sound machine. I will never forget this moment as long as I live. I did not start to cry. I grabbed my big pregnant belly and shook it. I yelled at my baby to wake up! (we did not know the sex). I prayed out loud over and over that he would make my baby move! "Please God, make everything be okay, make my baby move. Please Lord make my baby wake up and move. Please Lord make my baby MOVE." I shook and shook my belly, hoping to wake him up. Finally, what seemed hours later the nurse came back in. She acted happy and cheerful, as if my baby was okay. After finding the baby's heart, we both saw that he was not moving and there was no heartbeat. In my head I was screaming "Noooo!" and of course was reassuring myself that there would be a miracle and Mason really would be okay. Our God is big, He does miracles all the time, why not save my baby?! Of course there were tears. I was in a nightmare! Only, I couldn't wake up. This was a nightmare of losing a child that just the night before was alive, kicking, responding to my touch! If I had gone in to the hospital the minute he stopped stirring, he might be alive today. Running around with his brother and sister. But I can't stay in the mind set of "What-ifs". If I dwell on "What-If" I might go crazy. Instead I focus on my living children and the awesome hope we have to meet our Lord and loved ones in heaven someday. After I was able to hold back my sobs, I called Brandon. The hardest phone call I've ever had to make. I had to tell him our baby died over the phone. Nobody should ever have to do this. He rushed to the hospital to be with me, and weigh our options. Would we wait until morning or go right away to the delivery room and start the process of grieving (delivering, holding, burying) our son? There was no hesitation in our minds, we would wait. In my head, our baby still had a chance. Our God is big, and He could save my baby. Miracles happen all the time! As we all know, God had other plans for us and for Mason. He called Mason back to His arms in heaven. But even the next day, before getting the epidural to numb the physical pain of delivery, I made them do one more ultrasound, just to be sure. Still no heartbeat. At that moment I realized that there would be no miracles for us. He was truly dead. He was born still to us, but alive to God.
So, Mason, my beloved son, I cannot wait to meet you at the gates of heaven! I cannot wait to hear your voice...although I've seen your beautiful tiny face, I was deprived of hearing your sweet cries at birth. That is something I always miss. I wonder what your baby cry would have sounded like. I know it would have been the most beautiful sound. How I love you Mason Allen, my son! You are missed so greatly!
2 years ago today is when my life changed. Not for the worst...the worst would have been to not know Mason at all! For him to not have existed would have been the worst. Just plainly, my life has changed. I look at everyday, every second, every breath with my children as a gift from the Lord. God teaches us so many things, especially during our tragedies in life. One thing the Lord taught me was the true meaning of living with joy. It's so easy to live with joy when things are going "our way" in life, isn't it? But the true challenge is when something catastrophic happens to us, and how we respond shows the depths of heart.
Also, why does God allow suffering? Here are some answers from pastor and writer, Greg Laurie( He wrote a great book called "Why God". It's a good book for anyone who has hardship in their life...which is everyone.):
*To show what you and your faith are made of
*To help us grow spiritually and stronger in faith
*To bring glory to God.
*To get our attention.
*To prepare us for a special task.
*To remind us that sufferings will not last forever.
Later on in that afternoon I had a routine appointment with the nurse practitioner. Brandon was not with me because I was already in Fresno, and there wasn't an ultra sound scheduled that day. So, this part of my story is where my life changes. It will never be the same. Everyday my heart cries out in pain at not having Mason in my life. Every day I imagine my sweet, beloved Mason. I imagine he looks a lot like his brother Davey (after he was born, I could see similarities between them), except I picture Mason having a darker complexion, taking after his daddy. Back to my story, the nurse took a Fetal Doppler (the machine that listens to the baby's heartbeat), and searched around for his heartbeat. She couldn't find it. She acted like it happens all the time, and went to go get an ultra-sound machine. I will never forget this moment as long as I live. I did not start to cry. I grabbed my big pregnant belly and shook it. I yelled at my baby to wake up! (we did not know the sex). I prayed out loud over and over that he would make my baby move! "Please God, make everything be okay, make my baby move. Please Lord make my baby wake up and move. Please Lord make my baby MOVE." I shook and shook my belly, hoping to wake him up. Finally, what seemed hours later the nurse came back in. She acted happy and cheerful, as if my baby was okay. After finding the baby's heart, we both saw that he was not moving and there was no heartbeat. In my head I was screaming "Noooo!" and of course was reassuring myself that there would be a miracle and Mason really would be okay. Our God is big, He does miracles all the time, why not save my baby?! Of course there were tears. I was in a nightmare! Only, I couldn't wake up. This was a nightmare of losing a child that just the night before was alive, kicking, responding to my touch! If I had gone in to the hospital the minute he stopped stirring, he might be alive today. Running around with his brother and sister. But I can't stay in the mind set of "What-ifs". If I dwell on "What-If" I might go crazy. Instead I focus on my living children and the awesome hope we have to meet our Lord and loved ones in heaven someday. After I was able to hold back my sobs, I called Brandon. The hardest phone call I've ever had to make. I had to tell him our baby died over the phone. Nobody should ever have to do this. He rushed to the hospital to be with me, and weigh our options. Would we wait until morning or go right away to the delivery room and start the process of grieving (delivering, holding, burying) our son? There was no hesitation in our minds, we would wait. In my head, our baby still had a chance. Our God is big, and He could save my baby. Miracles happen all the time! As we all know, God had other plans for us and for Mason. He called Mason back to His arms in heaven. But even the next day, before getting the epidural to numb the physical pain of delivery, I made them do one more ultrasound, just to be sure. Still no heartbeat. At that moment I realized that there would be no miracles for us. He was truly dead. He was born still to us, but alive to God.
So, Mason, my beloved son, I cannot wait to meet you at the gates of heaven! I cannot wait to hear your voice...although I've seen your beautiful tiny face, I was deprived of hearing your sweet cries at birth. That is something I always miss. I wonder what your baby cry would have sounded like. I know it would have been the most beautiful sound. How I love you Mason Allen, my son! You are missed so greatly!
2 years ago today is when my life changed. Not for the worst...the worst would have been to not know Mason at all! For him to not have existed would have been the worst. Just plainly, my life has changed. I look at everyday, every second, every breath with my children as a gift from the Lord. God teaches us so many things, especially during our tragedies in life. One thing the Lord taught me was the true meaning of living with joy. It's so easy to live with joy when things are going "our way" in life, isn't it? But the true challenge is when something catastrophic happens to us, and how we respond shows the depths of heart.
Also, why does God allow suffering? Here are some answers from pastor and writer, Greg Laurie( He wrote a great book called "Why God". It's a good book for anyone who has hardship in their life...which is everyone.):
*To show what you and your faith are made of
*To help us grow spiritually and stronger in faith
*To bring glory to God.
*To get our attention.
*To prepare us for a special task.
*To remind us that sufferings will not last forever.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 "3Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 5For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
A quote from Greg Laurie:
"God has given you your life. God has given you your wife. He has given you your husband. He has blessed you with children. He has given you everything. Hold it loosely. He may leave it in your hands for years; then again, he might take it tomorrow. That's up to Him to decide. But it all belongs to Him, and we praise Him every day for what He has given us.
The truth is, everybody suffers. Calamity comes into every life—the righteous and the unrighteous, the godly and the ungodly. The good news is that the Lord can use suffering in the lives of His sons and daughters...to strengthen us spiritually...to make us more Christ-like...to use us to minister to and comfort others...and to prepare us for future tasks that are completely off our personal charts." Wow. Now, that is powerful, and that is how I strive to live...praising him everyday, through everything!
Saying our goodbyes.
**This picture says a lot. It shows our grief, but it also shows how Brandon and I leaned on each other for support.**
Mason's precious tiny feet.
His footprints are traced onto his gravestone. I touch and kiss them every time I go visit his resting place.
I just love this picture.
**I disabled comments. For this is my story about losing Mason and what the Lord has taught me since his death. Also, God is my comfort and through him I hope to be of comfort to others someday as Jessica Visser was and still is for me. Thank you friend. And thank you to all friends and family who have been there for Brandon and I during these hard days. We appreciate your phone calls, flowers, balloons, and notes of encouragement. It all means so much to us! We love you!!**
